Missing Minnesota...

I very much miss my Minnesota Fall weather. 

I miss football games, chili, sweatshirts and jeans, the changing leaves, sleeping with the windows open, apple orchards, the smell of people burning wood in their fireplaces.  I miss the crisp air in the Fall.  I really miss sitting out on our deck, and I miss having campfires in the backyard.

Native Texas really do not know what they are missing! 

The trees here do not change color.  It has to do with the weather patterns and the types of trees here.  Looking out my window from my office building, it is all green, and it will remain that way all year.

I guess I am not complaining, because we don't have wet, heavy snow.

I had some blood work done recently, and the nurse who was drawing my blood was making conversation.  She asked me where I was from, and I told her I was a Minnesota native.  She then went on to say how much she wishes she could live in the "North" with all the pretty snow.  She thought it would be wonderful exercise to shovel the driveway. <snort>

I told her about blizzards and road salt and how all Minnesota cars rust, and she looked at me like I was dumb.  She literally said to me, "Well, we all know down here that when you go to the beach, you have to wash your car right away after from the salt."  [Insert implication that Minnesotans are dumb for not washing the salt from their cars.]  I didn't even bother explaining that the car washes are closed when the weather drops below a certain temperature, or that it's not realistic to wash your car every single day after commuting to/from work.  But I digress.

I'm coming up onto my second Houston Fall, and I'm feeling a little blue about it.  I know what to expect now, or rather what not to expect.

I guess I need to visit soon!

That "in between" size

I had to laugh yesterday. 

So, I've lost a significant amount of weight, but I am pretty much still on the plus size of the spectrum.

I went to the cheer gym yesterday and had a reunion with a bunch of cheer moms that I haven't seen since last season.  They could tell something was different about me, but it kept coming out as "I LOVE YOUR HAIR!"  :)

Seriously, I must have gotten a dozen compliments on my hair yesterday.  It's funny, because although my hair is longer, it really isn't all that different from last year.  It's the same color and style, just longer.

I got a kick out of it.  It was nice of people to notice something was different.  I appreciate the compliments, even if it was on a non-existent new hair-do.

So here I am, between fat and thin.  According to the medical charts, I am no longer morbidly obese.  But honey, I certainly ain't all that and a bag of chips, either.  It's a slow process and I'm working on it.  Right now I'm struggling with work clothing being too baggy, yet when I go shopping and try on smaller sizes, they are too tight.  I'm telling you, it's the in between curse!

Oh - and the wrinkles.  I have broken out in wrinkles!  I wish I could apply some sort of face wash like you do for acne, to treat the wrinkles away.  Unfortunately, short of plastic surgery, there is nothing I can do for the wrinkles.  I have all sorts of creams and serums and treatments in my bathroom -- but in the end, it's all a gimmick.  There is no magic bottle or magic pill.

I'm pretty bummed that I wrecked my body in that way.  If I wouldn't have gotten so heavy, then I wouldn't have to choose between being fat and wrinkle free or smaller and pruney.

At least I have fabulous hair.

<wink>

I Have Arrived.

We've now been living in Houston for a year and a half.  We have adjusted to the weather, and we have adjusted to the culture.  My two daughters walk around saying, "y'all" without even realizing it, because when you become immersed in a culture that says things like "fixin' tuh" and "all y'all", you pick up on things without being aware of it.  I now say "y'all" but I sound funny saying it.  I'm still a Minnesota girl who says "ooof-dah".

Chad was thrown in to his job immediately since his promotion was the reason why we uprooted our entire family.  He spent long days traveling in the car getting to know his clients (because nothing in Texas is "close"), and long hours at the office getting to know his new job.  He is still learning, but has obviously gotten his bearings by now.

With me not working for the first year, it was a blessing and a curse.  I enjoy Texas very much but never felt like I had a place.  I wasn't bringing in income, but I was getting things taken care of with regard to children appointments, schooling, and miscellaneous household responsibilities that nobody had a clue how to handle.

It's been two months at my new job, and now I can finally say, I have arrived.  I have arrived in Texas, I have arrived in life. 

This is what I have been waiting for.  This has made all of our hardships, struggles, and heartbreak worth it.  It isn't money, it isn't material things, it isn't being popular or good looking.  It isn't being fat, it isn't being thin, and it isn't being in a position of power.

It is inner peace.  It is being happy with what you have, not always looking for greener pastures.

I have arrived. 

I have a purpose, a sense of self worth.

It feels wonderful. 

(Cue Mary Tyler Moore theme song..."You're gonna make it after all!")

20 years of marriage - toot, toot!

Well, the hubby and I just celebrated 20 years of marriage!  We have been together since the fall of 1992, which puts us together for almost 23 years.  All marriages have their trials and tribulations, but ultimately our love has grown stronger with the passing of time.

Speaking of the passing of...time, I thought I would celebrate by sharing one of my favorite Chad and Christy stories.  This is from way back in the day, back in 1992.  We were a young couple - Chad had just moved out of his parents' house and into his own apartment in Richfield, Minnesota.  I moved in with him shortly thereafter and we began our lives cohabitating as a couple.  We loved to spend every waking second with each other and did everything together, including shower - even when a shower together just meant showering together to save time and no hanky panky.

In this particular instance, we had been out drinking and eating the evening prior.  I, in my size 5 glory, ate whatever I wanted to, because when you're in your young 20s and you smoke cigarettes like a chimney, you don't really need to be concerned with calorie consumption.  All we had to worry about was ourselves and having a good time!

So we're in the shower together, and I have to...well, fart.  My belly had the remnants of cheap booze and day old food.  This could not be good.

Chad was standing under the shower spray and was busy washing his hair - so I'm hoping and praying this works out well for me.  I let one go.

Oh. My. God.  This was the silent stink bomb of the century.  We're talking epic nastiness here. Although it made no noise, this stink bomb was lethal and all I could think of was, WHAT  HAS CRAWLED UP MY ASS AND DIED? and please oh please, let me get away with this!!!

I was not so fortunate.  As I said, Chad was under the shower spray washing his hair and I could literally see the smell hit him.  He's happily lathering his hair, and then he stops moving.  His face screws up and he looks like he's just swallowed a bug. I am busted!!!

He finally says to me, "Did you.....fart?!?!?!?"  The tone of his voice was so accusatory - like I had just committed some sort of heinous, unspeakable crime - so my natural instinct to his tone of voice was to deflect, deflect, deflect!

I innocently say to him, "Nooooo!  Did YOU?"  My question was met with silence.

I thought it would be over at that.  However, I was not so fortunate.  Chad starts to begin his own investigation into the noxious odor that I had somehow just created.  He turns - and I kid you not - starts sniffing. the. grout.   He's literally got his nose up against the tile grout and is smelling it like a bloodhound trying to sniff out drugs.  Only it's not drugs -- I think he's trying to ascertain if something has died and is rotting in the walls. 

By this time I'm done showering and I have stepped out and am toweling off.  I am so embarrassed and I want to move on.  However, Chad is still busy in the shower trying to solve the mystery of the dead animal.   He's now muttering to himself about contacting the apartment's superintendent and putting in some sort of maintenance request to find out what's going on.  I begin to have visions of Schneider from One Day at a Time showing up at our door, hair all slicked back with a pack of smokes rolled up in his sleeve asking to examine our shower for the "problem". 

I start to giggle.  I'm trying really hard not to show Chad I'm giggling because I'm afraid I will give myself away.  Sure enough, Chad opens the shower curtain and points his finger at me -- he says he knew it was me all along.  (Suuuuuuuuuure you did -- that's why you were sniffing the grout!!!)

We have had a good many of laughs over the shower story over the years.  I am very grateful that despite my special eau de parfum explosion that day, he decided to marry me anyway.  He's a good man...definitely a keeper. Although he has gotten me back, so to speak, in the toot department over the years, nothing will ever rival the shower bomb of 1992.

:)

Pinch Me!

Pinch me!  I have to be reminded that this is real and I'm not dreaming!

It's interesting how much my life has changed in the last year and a half since moving to Houston.  I recently was offered a job in downtown Houston and I accepted.  I would have never thought I would be working downtown in such an enormous city.  I have the option to commute via bus and my employer will pay for it, but so far I haven't had the courage to give it a try.  Perhaps some day in the future I will give it a try.

So I would be lying if I said the commute is a breeze.  It's not.  It takes me an hour in the morning and an hour and fifteen minutes in the evening.  The thing is, an hour commute is quite normal for Houstonians.  Once you get used to it, which I totally have, it just becomes a part of your daily routine.

 



Took this shot with my cell phone - this is where I work, on the 30th floor.  Parking is actually located inside the building, so there is no parking ramp three blocks away that I need to travel to and from. 

The most interesting thing to me about downtown Houston is its vast tunnel system.  In Minneapolis, everything is connected via skyway system.  In Houston, everything is underground.  It is amazing to a "foreigner" like me how it all works. 

Above is a cell phone shot of my walk through the tunnels to get to one of the food courts.  There's so much more than food courts down there - there's convenience stores where you can buy cards, sundries, etc.  There's boutiques, restaurants, banks, etc.  It's a sub city down there.  I LOVE IT!

 

 

Here's a snapshot of one of the many food courts in the tunnel system -- looks like a typical mall food court, but again, it's all under ground!

 

 

Of course, my favorite part is the fact that I have my own office.  It's got a gorgeous view and well, let's face it - it's not a cubicle.  Nothing wrong with cubicles, as I have been assigned to one for most of my adult working life.  I just happened to get lucky as the senior paralegal position I am in supports the general counsel and the CEO, and my office is located between the two executives.  I don't know what to do with all the extra space - I have put some of my own touches in it since taking the cell phone snapshot below - but you get the gist from looking at the photo.

 



 

 

If you would have told me a year and a half ago that I would be in this position, I would have laughed and laughed....yeah right!  Me!  Working downtown!  Hah!  And loving it? No way!

 

:)

Celebrating Small Victories

Living in Minnesota, I never even considered driving to downtown Minneapolis for a job.  I have two friends from way back (waaaaay back) who both work downtown in the legal profession at the Hennepin County Judicial Center who drive there daily and to them, it is no big deal.  I was afraid to drive there.  I didn't like it there because I was unfamiliar with the terrain, and it made my panic disorder sky high.

Since moving to Houston and finally getting my panic disorder under control, I am proud to say that I drove to downtown Houston, solo, which is much bigger than Minneapolis. 

According to my pal Siri, the size of Minneapolis is about 54 square miles.  The area of Houston, Texas is about 600 square miles.  There's a great article showing an overlay of the Houston map on top of other large cities for comparison. http://www.texasmonthly.com/daily-post/if-you-needed-it-further-proof-houston-so-much-bigger-most-cities

Can I get a holla for GPS?  Thank goodness for modern technology.  Love the fact that GPS gives turn-by-turn directions!

So, that is my small victory #1 - being able to drive downtown Houston for a job interview sans panic attack.  Yahoo!  Go me!

Small victory #2 is starting a vegetable garden from seeds.  A friend of mine posted on Facebook that she wanted to try starting a pallet garden and she shared this photo:



I thought to myself, well, I could try that!  It is small and not overwhelming.  So, picked up some pallets (free), some seeds, and some dirt.  I germinated the seeds first using wet coffee filters in plastic sandwich baggies.  Once the seeds had shoots, I transplanted them to the dirt.  I am happy to say that the garden is sprouting!  This may not seem to be a big deal for some, but for me, I am so happy to be trying this out.  I am 42 years old and have never grown anything in my life!!!  It's been raining cats and dogs the last few days so hopefully mother nature won't drown the poor sproutlings, but I already view the project as a success.  The fact that I brought a little plant to life from a dry seed is awesome!

Small victory #3 is Corbin and his school.  Since returning to school with an IEP, his improvement has been remarkable.  He leaves for school and comes home without incident. I haven't heard any heartbreaking stories about him feeling like a ghost in the hallways.  I haven't heard any incidents of bullying or teasing.  He knows he has a safe place to retreat to if he gets sensory overload, and he has more than one teacher/ally that knows he is autistic and can give him accommodations.  He will be having an ESY (extended school year) - it's a summer program that will help with his social interactions.  The bus will be picking him up and dropping him off right at our front door.  Score!

Small victory #4 is that I've lost so much weight, that I need new clothes to go job interviewing.  My Minnesota business attire now hangs on me and I can't wear them!  That is what we call a non-scale victory! (Loose clothing.)  A scale victory would be a certain numeric amount lost - hitting some sort of milestone.  (I did have a 50# loss scale victory a couple weeks ago.)  The other non-scale victory is that I have crossed over from plus sized clothing to regular sized clothing.  This opens up a whole new world for me.  More options!  This was one of my goals that I set for myself back when I first started - I have a list of goals that I want to achieve with the weight loss and being able to shop in the regular Misses department was one of them.  Now, granted, I am still at the higher end of the clothing sizes at this point (it has only been two months) but I expect it will only get better from here.

So, there you have it - a few of my small victories recently.  Life is good!

Panic Disorder

So I have this thing called Panic Disorder.  Most people who know me know that I have it; most people who know me have no idea what it is or understand it.  It's frustrating for me that people don't understand it -- I wish there was more that I could do to educate people.

My family doesn't understand it but they are sympathetic to my situation because they love me and care about me.  My kids have had many disappointing situations where I haven't been able to go places or do things because I was "sick".  I put the word "sick" in quotation marks because that is how my panic disorder manifests itself.  I get physically ill.  But more on that later.

I think the most frustrating part of this mental illness is that you cannot see it.  Therefore, because people cannot see it, they find it hard to understand/process that what I am going through is real.

There is a woman that I worked with several years ago who has a medical condition that gives her chronic migraine headaches.  She is the sweetest woman and had some unconventional ways of trying to work during some of her migraine episodes.  One of the things she used to do was keep gel eye masks in the staff refrigerator.  The gel would be kept at a cool temperature and when she would feel a migraine coming on, she would wear the eye mask on her forehead.  Silliest looking thing ever, but it is something that she found helped her.  Often times you could tell by her pallor that she wasn't doing well - she would become so pale that it was clear to see that she was struggling.  Everyone was extremely understanding of her medical condition when she had her migraine headaches.  Nobody judged her if she took off early or was absent due to a migraine episode.

So why is it that people judged my absences due to panic disorder?  Because people couldn't see it.  They didn't understand it.  It's such a thorn in my side to live with it day to day because I am still not living a "normal" life today because of it.

They say that hindsight is always 20/20 and I can see that there are things that I wish I would have done differently. I wish I would have done more to be proactive with my former coworkers and friends in educating panic disorder.  I don't know if it would have helped.  I would like to think that maybe it would have.

One of the things with panic disorder is that people will avoid situations that either remind them of a time they had a panic attack, or avoid situations where there is no easy escape to get to a place where they feel safe.  I think this has had the biggest impact on my life to date - the avoidance.  One of my biggest triggers is traveling in the car.  I have a "safe zone" and I do not travel outside of that safe zone.  Minnesota is known for its winters, and another thing that has left me avoiding situations at all costs was driving while it is snowing.  There would be days when it was snowing where it would take several hours to commute to the office because traffic was crawling at a snail's pace.  During this commute, there is no quick and easy escape if you have a panic attack.  You are stuck.  Worst nightmare for a person with panic disorder.

So what does a panic attack feel like?  I cannot tell you what it feels like for other people, because they manifest themselves very differently in people.  I can tell you that I get irritated when people say they had a panic attack when things were not going well for them that day.  They use it to describe a feeling of being overwhelmed.  Feeling overwhelmed and a true panic attack are two very different things.  I can tell you what a panic attack feels like for Christy.

I get extremely physically ill.  Nauseous doesn't describe it - think of the worst stomach flu you have ever had and then times that by a hundred - the kind of nausea where you can't even move, it is so bad.  My hands and arms start to tingle and then go numb.  My face flushes and tingles as well.  I begin to sweat and have blurred/tunnel vision.  I feel as if I am going to faint/pass out.  Finally, there is an overpowering feeling of dread/need to flee.  (They call it the fight or flight syndrome.)

The biggest thing I cannot stress enough is that yes, I am feeling these sensations, but my body is actually experiencing this.  This is not made up in my head, but an actual physical response that my entire body goes through.  No amount of breathing, or thinking happy thoughts will make this go away.  These very real physical responses are caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain.  Think of a diabetic who begins to experience physical symptoms due to an insulin imbalance.  It is no different for panic disorder sufferers.  There is a chemical chain reaction that goes on in the body.  It's not controlled by thought.  Again, it is a chemical imbalance that causes real physical responses in the body.  I cannot stress this point often or strongly enough!!!

This is where the apex of my frustration lies when trying to get people to understand panic disorder.  It's not anxiety.  I tell people that I have panic disorder and a lot of people say to me, "Oh, I have anxiety, I can relate."  No, you really can't.  I am not belittling an anxiety attacks, but panic disorder has roots/tentacles that are so far reaching into a person's life that they are always a problem and life can revolve around it.

The biggest joy (sarcasm) about panic attacks is that you can never be sure when or where they will strike, so you live in fear of when they will happen.  Avoiding situations and places becomes mainstream.  I will avoid traffic situations where I cannot have a safe and hasty exit to my home if I am in need.  I will avoid going out to lunch with friends and coworkers simply because a) the location of the restaurant may not be within my safety zone, or b) the food may not agree with me, and if I begin to feel sick, a panic attack may ensue. 

This has lead to many misunderstanding and judgments against me.  Again, there is nothing to see but a woman who declines invitations or is absent from a situation.  It's such a catch 22 because there is no difference between me and the woman who has migraine headaches.  She cannot control when they come on and it is a very real, physical condition.  Same with me and panic disorder.  I cannot control when a panic attack comes on and it is a very real, physical condition.   But with me, you cannot see it.  Therefore, since nobody can see it, they only have my word, my excuses for not being present.

I wish life were fair.  I wish people would dismiss the judgmental thoughts in their head and give me the same understanding and compassion as the woman with the migraine headaches.  We both deserve the same compassion and understanding, don't we?  We both are experiencing physical illness.  But because one is not understood, it ceases to become valid in their reality.  When it ceases to become valid in their reality - how can I fight that?

Has it really been since Christmas?

Has it really been since Christmas since I last posted?  Wow.  Shame on me!

You would think being unemployed would make it so I have lots of spare time to keep up on these things, but I am regularly busy.  (Probably the busiest unemployed person I know!)

Courtney turned 19 at the beginning of this month.  She has really grown into a fine young adult and I am extremely proud of the young woman she is becoming.  My little goldilocks still has the drive and ambition to be the best at everything she can be.  She puts forth 100% into everything she does.

The cheer season has officially ended, so it has been a whirlwind of competitions and both girls having exciting opportunities to travel around the South with their cheer teams.  They just returned from New Orleans this past week.  Chad and I were not able to accompany them to NOLA since I am not working.  We have always wanted to go there, just to experience the atmosphere and say we have been there.  Chad really wants to try some authentic Cajun food from NOLA.  I could care less about the food.  I heard a lot of bad things about Bourbon Street, and have no desire to go see it.  Who wants to be surrounded by the smell of piss, trash, and beer?  Throw in some homeless people and some really messed up drunk people...no thanks!  Luckily we have the rest of our lives to go visit - it's only a 6 hour drive and once finances get back on track, I hear the plane tickets are pretty cheap.

Corbin has been re-enrolled into public school after trying online homeschooling for four months.  He just couldn't seem to self-start the program, and there would be days of us arguing about him doing his school assignments.  He is not happy to be back in public school, but this time he has an official IEP in place to make accommodations for his autism, so hopefully this experience will be a little less burdensome for him.

Chad just ended his winter hockey season and is looking forward to starting again already.  He took a slap shot to his ankle yesterday and has a nice black and blue swollen bruise as a souvenir from his game.

I have been doing photography sessions for the cheerleaders, and it has been a godsend. It keeps me busy working on the computer editing the photos and provides a small amount of income to help pay for the groceries.

It's been rainy here in Houston for the last week and I have felt trapped inside.  I need to get out and walk or else I get restless.  Chad came home from hockey last night and the rain had broken, so he asked me if I wanted to go out for a walk.  Courtney thought we were insane because it was 10 p.m. at night and we were going out walking.  It was refreshing to be out and I just have to say, I have the best husband in the world.  He's so good to me!

My folks are coming to visit in a couple of weeks - I am so excited to see my mom and step dad!!!  They will be here over Easter and I am looking forward to having them here with us.

Texas has been a wonderful experience.  It has been a cultural adjustment for all of us, but I honestly can say that I don't miss the Minnesota weather.  I miss my friends and family like crazy, and I miss having a job.  But this chapter of our life is still just beginning, and I wouldn't trade it for the world!