Panic Disorder

So I have this thing called Panic Disorder.  Most people who know me know that I have it; most people who know me have no idea what it is or understand it.  It's frustrating for me that people don't understand it -- I wish there was more that I could do to educate people.

My family doesn't understand it but they are sympathetic to my situation because they love me and care about me.  My kids have had many disappointing situations where I haven't been able to go places or do things because I was "sick".  I put the word "sick" in quotation marks because that is how my panic disorder manifests itself.  I get physically ill.  But more on that later.

I think the most frustrating part of this mental illness is that you cannot see it.  Therefore, because people cannot see it, they find it hard to understand/process that what I am going through is real.

There is a woman that I worked with several years ago who has a medical condition that gives her chronic migraine headaches.  She is the sweetest woman and had some unconventional ways of trying to work during some of her migraine episodes.  One of the things she used to do was keep gel eye masks in the staff refrigerator.  The gel would be kept at a cool temperature and when she would feel a migraine coming on, she would wear the eye mask on her forehead.  Silliest looking thing ever, but it is something that she found helped her.  Often times you could tell by her pallor that she wasn't doing well - she would become so pale that it was clear to see that she was struggling.  Everyone was extremely understanding of her medical condition when she had her migraine headaches.  Nobody judged her if she took off early or was absent due to a migraine episode.

So why is it that people judged my absences due to panic disorder?  Because people couldn't see it.  They didn't understand it.  It's such a thorn in my side to live with it day to day because I am still not living a "normal" life today because of it.

They say that hindsight is always 20/20 and I can see that there are things that I wish I would have done differently. I wish I would have done more to be proactive with my former coworkers and friends in educating panic disorder.  I don't know if it would have helped.  I would like to think that maybe it would have.

One of the things with panic disorder is that people will avoid situations that either remind them of a time they had a panic attack, or avoid situations where there is no easy escape to get to a place where they feel safe.  I think this has had the biggest impact on my life to date - the avoidance.  One of my biggest triggers is traveling in the car.  I have a "safe zone" and I do not travel outside of that safe zone.  Minnesota is known for its winters, and another thing that has left me avoiding situations at all costs was driving while it is snowing.  There would be days when it was snowing where it would take several hours to commute to the office because traffic was crawling at a snail's pace.  During this commute, there is no quick and easy escape if you have a panic attack.  You are stuck.  Worst nightmare for a person with panic disorder.

So what does a panic attack feel like?  I cannot tell you what it feels like for other people, because they manifest themselves very differently in people.  I can tell you that I get irritated when people say they had a panic attack when things were not going well for them that day.  They use it to describe a feeling of being overwhelmed.  Feeling overwhelmed and a true panic attack are two very different things.  I can tell you what a panic attack feels like for Christy.

I get extremely physically ill.  Nauseous doesn't describe it - think of the worst stomach flu you have ever had and then times that by a hundred - the kind of nausea where you can't even move, it is so bad.  My hands and arms start to tingle and then go numb.  My face flushes and tingles as well.  I begin to sweat and have blurred/tunnel vision.  I feel as if I am going to faint/pass out.  Finally, there is an overpowering feeling of dread/need to flee.  (They call it the fight or flight syndrome.)

The biggest thing I cannot stress enough is that yes, I am feeling these sensations, but my body is actually experiencing this.  This is not made up in my head, but an actual physical response that my entire body goes through.  No amount of breathing, or thinking happy thoughts will make this go away.  These very real physical responses are caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain.  Think of a diabetic who begins to experience physical symptoms due to an insulin imbalance.  It is no different for panic disorder sufferers.  There is a chemical chain reaction that goes on in the body.  It's not controlled by thought.  Again, it is a chemical imbalance that causes real physical responses in the body.  I cannot stress this point often or strongly enough!!!

This is where the apex of my frustration lies when trying to get people to understand panic disorder.  It's not anxiety.  I tell people that I have panic disorder and a lot of people say to me, "Oh, I have anxiety, I can relate."  No, you really can't.  I am not belittling an anxiety attacks, but panic disorder has roots/tentacles that are so far reaching into a person's life that they are always a problem and life can revolve around it.

The biggest joy (sarcasm) about panic attacks is that you can never be sure when or where they will strike, so you live in fear of when they will happen.  Avoiding situations and places becomes mainstream.  I will avoid traffic situations where I cannot have a safe and hasty exit to my home if I am in need.  I will avoid going out to lunch with friends and coworkers simply because a) the location of the restaurant may not be within my safety zone, or b) the food may not agree with me, and if I begin to feel sick, a panic attack may ensue. 

This has lead to many misunderstanding and judgments against me.  Again, there is nothing to see but a woman who declines invitations or is absent from a situation.  It's such a catch 22 because there is no difference between me and the woman who has migraine headaches.  She cannot control when they come on and it is a very real, physical condition.  Same with me and panic disorder.  I cannot control when a panic attack comes on and it is a very real, physical condition.   But with me, you cannot see it.  Therefore, since nobody can see it, they only have my word, my excuses for not being present.

I wish life were fair.  I wish people would dismiss the judgmental thoughts in their head and give me the same understanding and compassion as the woman with the migraine headaches.  We both deserve the same compassion and understanding, don't we?  We both are experiencing physical illness.  But because one is not understood, it ceases to become valid in their reality.  When it ceases to become valid in their reality - how can I fight that?

Has it really been since Christmas?

Has it really been since Christmas since I last posted?  Wow.  Shame on me!

You would think being unemployed would make it so I have lots of spare time to keep up on these things, but I am regularly busy.  (Probably the busiest unemployed person I know!)

Courtney turned 19 at the beginning of this month.  She has really grown into a fine young adult and I am extremely proud of the young woman she is becoming.  My little goldilocks still has the drive and ambition to be the best at everything she can be.  She puts forth 100% into everything she does.

The cheer season has officially ended, so it has been a whirlwind of competitions and both girls having exciting opportunities to travel around the South with their cheer teams.  They just returned from New Orleans this past week.  Chad and I were not able to accompany them to NOLA since I am not working.  We have always wanted to go there, just to experience the atmosphere and say we have been there.  Chad really wants to try some authentic Cajun food from NOLA.  I could care less about the food.  I heard a lot of bad things about Bourbon Street, and have no desire to go see it.  Who wants to be surrounded by the smell of piss, trash, and beer?  Throw in some homeless people and some really messed up drunk people...no thanks!  Luckily we have the rest of our lives to go visit - it's only a 6 hour drive and once finances get back on track, I hear the plane tickets are pretty cheap.

Corbin has been re-enrolled into public school after trying online homeschooling for four months.  He just couldn't seem to self-start the program, and there would be days of us arguing about him doing his school assignments.  He is not happy to be back in public school, but this time he has an official IEP in place to make accommodations for his autism, so hopefully this experience will be a little less burdensome for him.

Chad just ended his winter hockey season and is looking forward to starting again already.  He took a slap shot to his ankle yesterday and has a nice black and blue swollen bruise as a souvenir from his game.

I have been doing photography sessions for the cheerleaders, and it has been a godsend. It keeps me busy working on the computer editing the photos and provides a small amount of income to help pay for the groceries.

It's been rainy here in Houston for the last week and I have felt trapped inside.  I need to get out and walk or else I get restless.  Chad came home from hockey last night and the rain had broken, so he asked me if I wanted to go out for a walk.  Courtney thought we were insane because it was 10 p.m. at night and we were going out walking.  It was refreshing to be out and I just have to say, I have the best husband in the world.  He's so good to me!

My folks are coming to visit in a couple of weeks - I am so excited to see my mom and step dad!!!  They will be here over Easter and I am looking forward to having them here with us.

Texas has been a wonderful experience.  It has been a cultural adjustment for all of us, but I honestly can say that I don't miss the Minnesota weather.  I miss my friends and family like crazy, and I miss having a job.  But this chapter of our life is still just beginning, and I wouldn't trade it for the world!